The Goldilocks of Hope: Finding Just the Right Amount of Hope After Complex Trauma
Hope is a tricky thing. For some people, hope feels like a bright light pulling them forward, giving them energy to heal and grow. For others, especially those who have lived with complex trauma, hope can feel fragile, confusing, or even painful.
If you’ve experienced complex trauma, you might know what it feels like to hope for something better—and then have that hope crushed again and again. When you’re a kid, hoping for love, safety, or a happy life might have led to disappointment or even despair. That can make it really hard to believe in hope as an adult.
Throughout my tenure as a trauma therapist, I’ve defined this dynamic with hope as the “Goldilock of hope,” because we need “just the right amount.” It is a crucial part of healing from complex trauma and we can’t have too much or too little. Not too much hope that sets you up for pain, and not too little that leaves you stuck in sadness—that’s what we call the Goldilocks of hope. Just the right amount of hope can help you keep going, even when things feel really hard.
In this blog, we’ll explore what complex trauma is and why it can make hope feel difficult or even unsafe. We’ll look at how our early experiences with hope—especially in childhood—can shape how we feel about it today. You’ll learn why hope is an important part of recovery and healing, and how finding the “just right” amount of hope for you can make a meaningful difference.
What Is Complex Trauma?
Complex trauma or complex post-traumatic stress disorder, “C-PTSD,” occurs when someone experiences repeated or ongoing trauma over a long time. This could include things such as abuse, neglect, violence, or living in unsafe homes. Unlike a single scary event, complex trauma is often a series of difficult experiences that happen when you’re young or over many years.
Complex trauma can affect how you see yourself, others, and the world. It can make it hard to trust people or believe that things can get better. It can also affect your brain and body, making it harder to manage emotions or feel safe.
Since complex trauma happens over a long time, it can deeply change how you think about hope.
Why Hope Can Be So Hard After Complex Trauma
When you’ve lived through complex trauma, hoping for good things can feel scary. Here are some reasons why:
1. Hope Led to Disappointment as a Kid
As a child, you might have hoped for safety, love, or kindness. But if those hopes were not met (which most of the time they weren’t) and the people you trusted hurt you or didn’t protect you, then hope might have felt like a trap. You learned that hoping could lead to pain.
2. Fear of Getting Hurt Again
Because hope sometimes (or always!) led to disappointment, your brain might try to protect you by avoiding hope. It can be easier to expect bad things than to risk hoping and being hurt again. This can feel like a way to stay safe.
3. Feeling Unworthy of Good Things
Complex trauma can affect your sense of self-worth. You might feel like you don’t deserve happiness or healing. When you believe that, hope can feel impossible.
4. Struggling to Imagine a Better Future
Trauma can make it hard to picture a life that feels safe or joyful. Without being able to imagine good things, hope is tough to hold onto.
Childhood Hope and Its Impact on Adult Healing
For some kids, hope was a way to dream about better things. Maybe you hoped your family would be kind, that you’d be protected, or that you’d find a friend who understood you. You may have imagined yourself turning 18 and everything being “better.” These hopes were real and important.
But if those hopes were broken, it wasn’t your fault. It was the adults’ job to keep you safe and show you love, but they didn’t. That broken hope can leave a deep mark or trauma trigger.
Sometimes, broken childhood hope turns into:
Distrust: You might find it hard to trust anyone or anything.
Fear of Hope: You might push hope away to avoid pain.
Low or Unrealistic Expectations: You might expect bad things because that feels “normal.”
Understanding how your childhood hopes shaped your feelings can be the first step to healing. It helps you see that your struggles with hope are part of your trauma, not a personal failure.
Why Hope Is Needed to Recover from Complex Trauma
Even though hope can feel scary or confusing, it’s an important part of healing and can lead to post-traumatic growth. Here’s why:
1. Hope Motivates Change
Hope gives you a reason to keep going, even when things are hard. It helps you take small steps toward feeling better, like trying therapy, building healthy relationships, or practicing self-care.
2. Hope Helps Your Brain Heal
Research shows that hope can actually change the brain. When you feel hopeful, your brain releases chemicals that help you feel calm and safe. This can help reverse some of the effects of trauma.
3. Hope Builds Resilience
Hope helps you bounce back after setbacks. When you believe things can improve, you’re more likely to keep trying, even after difficulties.
4. Hope Connects You to Others
Hope can help you reach out and build support. When you feel hopeful, it’s easier to ask for help and trust others.
The Goldilocks of Hope: Not Too Much, Not Too Little
The story of Goldilocks is about finding what’s just right—not too hot, not too cold. Hope is like that too.
Too much hope can lead to disappointment if you expect big changes right away. It might feel like setting yourself up for failure. It also is not always realistic and the goal is to stay in reality! We are not trying to sugar coat life.
Too little hope can make you feel stuck and helpless. Without hope, it’s hard to take steps toward healing.
Just the right amount of hope means having enough to keep going but being gentle with yourself. It means believing in small changes and accepting that healing takes time.
Finding your “just right” hope is a process. It’s okay if your hope feels shaky or changes from day to day.
How to Find Hope That Feels Safe(r)
If hope has been painful or hard, here are some ways to find hope that feels safe and real:
1. Start Small
You don’t have to hope for big things right away. Start by hoping for something simple, like having a peaceful moment or getting through one day.
2. Focus on What You Can Control
Hope can feel better when it’s about things you have some control over, like practicing self-care, connecting with a supportive friend, or learning a new skill.
3. Be Kind to Yourself
Healing is not a straight path. It’s normal to have good days and hard days. Be gentle with yourself as you practice hope.
4. Find Support
Talking to a therapist or trusted person can help you explore your feelings about hope. You don’t have to do this alone.
5. Use Affirmations
Positive statements like “I deserve to heal” or “Small steps are progress” can remind you that hope is possible. Positive affirmations need to be about what you can control.
6. Notice When Hope Shows Up
Sometimes hope comes in quiet ways—like a small feeling of relief, a kind word, or a moment of peace. Notice and hold onto those moments.
Hope and Healing Go Hand in Hand
Healing from complex trauma takes time, patience, and support. Hope is like a gentle friend on this journey. It doesn’t have to be loud or big; it just needs to be enough to keep you moving forward.
Remember, it’s okay if hope feels hard or confusing. That’s normal when you’ve been through a lot. But with the right support and care, hope can grow stronger.
You deserve a life filled with safety, love, and peace—and hope can help you get there.
Why Hope From Others Can Sometimes Feel Invalidating
When you’ve lived through complex trauma, hearing hopeful words from others doesn’t always feel comforting. In fact, it can sometimes feel like your pain or struggles are being dismissed or minimized. This happens more often than you might think, and it’s important to understand why.
1. Feeling Like Your Experience Is Being Overlooked
If someone tells you to “just stay positive” or “things will get better soon,” it might feel like they’re ignoring how hard your healing really is. When trauma runs deep, quick fixes or overly simple advice can seem like they don’t acknowledge the pain you carry.
2. Pressure to “Fix” Yourself
Hearing hopeful messages from others can sometimes feel like pressure to be okay before you’re ready. It might make you feel like you’re failing if you’re still struggling, which isn’t true at all. You can have hope and still be a work in progress!
3. Different Timelines for Healing
Everyone heals at their own pace. When others express hope in a way that feels rushed or unrealistic, it can make your own experience feel wrong or out of place. Your journey might be slower, and that’s okay.
4. Fear of Disappointment
If you’ve been hurt by broken hope in the past, hearing hope from others can bring up fear. You might worry that hoping will only lead to more pain, so their hopeful words might feel scary or unsafe.
5. Feeling Alone in Your Pain
Sometimes, when others focus on hope, it can feel like they don’t understand how alone or stuck you might feel. That can make you feel even more isolated.
What to Do When it Feels Hard
Acknowledge your feelings: It’s okay to feel frustrated or upset. Your feelings are valid. You can also share your feelings with others.
Set boundaries: If someone’s words don’t feel helpful, it’s okay to tell them you need support in a different way.
Find people who get it: Look for friends, therapists, or support groups that understand your experience and can offer hope gently.
Focus on your own hope: Remember that hope is personal. You get to decide when and how to hope, on your own terms.
Understanding why hope from others can feel invalidating helps you protect your healing space. It also reminds you that your feelings about hope are okay—because healing from trauma isn’t simple or one-size-fits-all.
Start Trauma Therapy
The “Goldilocks of hope” means finding the balance that works for you—not too much and not too little. It’s okay if your hope looks different from others’. Healing is your own path. If you’re struggling to find hope or want help healing from trauma, reaching out to a therapist can be a powerful step. Hope isn’t about pretending everything is perfect. It’s about believing that things can get better, one small step at a time. If you want to learn more about our trauma treatments in Detroit and online, follow these steps.
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About the Author:
Sarah Rollins, LMSW, SEP is the founder of Embodied Wellness, PLLC, a group therapy practice providing online therapy in Michigan. She is passionate about expanding awareness of somatic therapy as a way to treat and heal trauma. She incorporates other holistic treatments into her practice including EMDR and IFS.