What’s Really Underneath the Feeling That You “Have to” Visit Family for the Holidays

Understanding obligation through a trauma-informed, somatic lens

The holiday season brings joy, connection, and celebration — at least in theory. But for many people with complex family dynamics, trauma histories, or long-standing patterns of being misunderstood, the holidays bring something else entirely: pressure.

You may recognize the voice in your head:

“I don’t want to go. But I feel like I have to.”

And if you look closely, that sense of obligation isn’t actually about holiday spirit at all. It’s often rooted in old survival strategies, inherited roles, and nervous system responses that were formed long before you had adult autonomy.

Obligation is rarely about the present moment.
It’s usually a memory — living in the body.

Let’s explore the layers beneath that pressure to “just go,” so you can make decisions that are truly yours.

1. The Fear of Disappointing Others (A Fawn Response in Disguise)

Many people learn early that being easy, agreeable, and self-sacrificing is the price of belonging. If you grew up keeping the peace or trying to avoid conflict, it makes sense that the thought of disappointing family feels dangerous.

This creates an internal rule:

“If I say no, I lose safety.”

Even when the adult you knows you’ll survive their disappointment, the younger part of you might still brace for impact. This feeling isn’t irrational — it’s historical.

Your nervous system remembers what your mind tries to forget.

2. The Fear of Being Misunderstood or Labeled

You might also worry that if you don’t show up, your family will create a story about you:

• “You’re dramatic.”

• “You think you’re better.”

• “You’re ungrateful.”

If your family lacks emotional attunement, being misunderstood may have been painful or even punitive. So you keep showing up physically to avoid being misrepresented emotionally.

But here’s the truth:
Protecting your reputation is not the same as protecting your well-being.

3. The Attachment Pull: Fear of Losing Some Connection, Even a Thin One

Attachment is primal. Even if your family relationships are surface-level or disconnected, the fear of losing connection can feel enormous.

Sometimes the obligation isn’t about the event — it’s about clinging to the idea of family:

“If I don’t go, what will be left between us?”

But connection that requires self-abandonment isn’t really connection. It’s performance.

4. Internalized Family Roles You Never Asked For

Many families unconsciously assign roles:

• the responsible one

• the caretaker

• the mediator

• the peacemaker

• the one who “never causes trouble”

If you were the emotionally competent person in an emotionally immature family, you may still feel required to fulfill that role.

But here’s the shift:
Roles are inherited. Choices are adult.

5. Fear of Conflict or Emotional Backlash

For many people, saying no brings real fear — not because of the holiday, but because of the past.

If disagreement or boundary-setting historically led to:

• guilt trips

• silent treatment

• emotional explosions

• criticism

• withdrawal of affection

…then your body may associate “no” with danger.

So you go.
Not out of desire — but out of self-protection.

This is not weakness.
This is your nervous system doing its job.

6. The Quiet Grief: Letting Go of the Family You Hoped For

Sometimes obligation is actually grief in disguise.

If you stop attending, you may have to face the painful truth:

“This family is not what I wished it could be.”

Showing up becomes a way of holding onto the dream of closeness, depth, or understanding — even if those things haven’t actually existed.

Letting go can feel like losing hope.

But it can also be the beginning of healing.

7. Cultural and Generational Conditioning

Many of us were raised to believe that family loyalty is absolute:

• “Family comes first.”

• “You only get one family.”

• “It’s disrespectful to miss holidays.”

These beliefs seep into the nervous system, even if your adult self doesn’t actually agree with them.

When you pause and listen closely, you might notice that the voice saying “you have to go” isn’t even yours.

8. You Didn’t Learn That You’re Allowed to Choose

If you grew up in an environment where autonomy wasn’t welcomed — where “no” resulted in consequences — your nervous system may not register choice as safe.

Boundaries, even healthy ones, can feel like rebellion.

“Your body hasn’t yet learned that choice is allowed.”

This is not a character flaw — it’s a place where healing can happen.

So How Do You Know What’s Right for You This Year?

A simple but powerful question:

“If no one else had an opinion, what would I choose?”

And then notice:

• Does your chest soften?

• Does your jaw unclench?

• Do your shoulders drop?

• Does your breath deepen?

Relief is a compass.
Your body often knows the truth before your mind admits it.

You Are Allowed to Choose Peace.

You don’t owe your presence to people who misunderstand you.
You don’t need to sacrifice regulation for tradition.
You don’t have to perform the role your family assigned you.

You get to choose your holidays based on:

• your capacity

• your nervous system

• your boundaries

• your values

• your healing

Not their expectations.

And sometimes — the bravest thing you can do is stop performing the version of yourself your family prefers, and start honoring the version of yourself that’s emerging.

Begin Virtual Therapy Services in Michigan

At Embodied Wellness, PLLC, we offer a variety of holistic treatment services for adults and teens with depression, and OCD. We specialize in EMDR, Somatic therapy, Somatic Experiencing, Internal Family Systems, and DBT for trauma. We also specialize in CBT and Empath Counseling. We offer online therapy in Michigan. Start overcoming your trauma today by visiting our Detroit-based practice.

About the Author:

Jackie Shpak, LLP, SEP is a therapist at Embodied Wellness, PLLC, a group practice providing online therapy throughout Michigan. Jackie is passionate about creating a space rooted in safety, curiosity, and kindness, where clients feel supported in exploring their own path to healing. Her work integrates Somatic Experiencing, yoga, and mindfulness-based CBT to help clients deepen awareness and reconnect with their bodies.